Few months ago, I spent a weekend with a friend whom I haven’t seen for years. We shared a house about 13 years ago during our struggling days in Australia. We developed a great friendship during the time but then he moved to a different city. He got married; I got married; he has 2 kids now and I recently became a father!
A lot had changed! But when I dived deeper into it, it felt like nothing had changed! We hadn’t lost the common ground. I felt, in essence, he was the same person I knew 13 years ago. On surface level, some significant changes had occurred in our lives yet, that connection was intact. He flew from interstate just to see my newborn daughter and spent a weekend with us.
We had an absolute blast.
And then recently, I met few of my college friends whom I haven’t met for many years. We had a great time. These events reinforced my belief that friendship is one of the most important and integral part of our lives.
It made me sit and ponder some thoughts about the relationship we call — friendship.
What is friendship and what is not?
Friendship is ‘absolute absence of comparison’. This may sound cliche or bit woo-woo but it is true. Comparison kills it. Comparison is lethal to any relationship, not just friendship. When we compare, there are only two possibilities. Either we feel superior or we feel inferior. When we feel superior, we devalue others. When we feel inferior, we devalue ourselves. Neither of these can provide the solid foundation for a genuine relationship. In reality, we will always be superior or inferior to someone and thus, comparison makes no sense. It doesn’t take long for comparison to turn into jealousy, jealousy into judgments and judgments into prejudice. Comparison has the potential to ruin the friendship.
Friendship is ‘effective communication’. A true friend is someone who has balls to face you in person and speak up in a conflict situation. Friendship is never a cowardly pretension. A person is not your friend if you have to split yourself into two in his or her presence. In other words, a true friend is someone with whom you can be completely yourself. A friend is someone who may strongly disagree with you on a particular topic but won’t make a problem out of it.
A friend is someone who feels genuinely happy in your happiness. I emphasize ‘genuinely’ because words are deceiving sometimes and fragment the reality. You may come across some who will tell you they are extremely happy for you but then, their actions are in complete disharmony with their words. Actions are far better indicators than mere words. Actions (and sometimes inaction) reflect values and values reflect the character of a person. I read this quote and it left a permanent imprint in my head.
Characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. A friend is someone who shows intent of care, compassion and empathy (not pity) in your troubling times. Friendship is CARE, period. You stop caring. You stop being a friend.
A friend is someone with whom you can talk any shit and not just common interests. It is not necessary that you have common hobbies and interests but it is must that your basic human values are aligned. Having common interests may help at times but can also hinder your growth as a person. A friend is not someone whom you have known for a long time but with whom you lose the track of time. If you have such close friends — protect them, nurture them, call them often and spend more time with them. Kick ass, party hard and have fun with them. Share good and bad with them. Friends are as important as family if not more. They are two very important pillars of life and this may be the reason why we often use the term “family and friends”.
But then, there is always a dark side to everything. There is another kind. There are some who you thought were your true friends. But they turned out to be energy suckers. They are called psychic vampires. Neither they have anything good to offer to you nor they are open to receive anything from you. They transmit nothing but hatred, jealousy, anger, sarcasm and narcissism. They do nothing but project their own fears and insecurities on you. They will use every inch of you when in need but then quickly disappear into the abyss when you need them. They make you feel drained.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
But they are totally worth it and extremely important for your growth as a human being. It is very easy to judge them but don’t be hurried. Let that judgement come from factual evidences before you come to any sudden conclusion. Give them time. Give them chances. But also know when its time to step away and let them go. Though, It is very important to do that from the place of compassion rather than hate. When you have compassion, you are more forgiving and open. If you breed hate and anger towards them, you become them. There is no difference between you and them. They will teach you some great things in life. So be very grateful to them. Without them, you won’t discover your true and real friends. Remember that they thrive on your reaction. They will try to channel sarcasm in the name of witty humour. Do not give them the reaction they want and they will feel powerless.
Vanquish the vampires.
Lose them but don’t lose the lesson.
